A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing and massaging his balls, something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,'Why do you love doing that so much?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

OK, these may be considered in bad taste since the man is dead, but MJ's own actions are the basis of all the jokes here...

Did you hear that Michael Jackson is not going to be buried or cremated, but turned into a series of plastic bags?
That way even in death he can be white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

What's the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson?
Michael Jackson won't be playing Giggs this summer!

What a coincidence! Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett dying on the same day!
One played with majors, the other played with minors!

Jacko died of a heart attack this morning when he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service

Michael Jackson had to cancel all his dates this summer - David age 4, John age 6, Charlie age 10

McDonalds have announced the MJ memorial burger....
50 year old meat in 12 year old buns

It's to be a sea burial..... as per MJ's  last request, he's to be strapped to two buoys

I heard he was ill but thought he was going to be all white....

Reports of Michael Jackson having a heart attack in hospital are incorrect.
He was actually found in the children’s ward having a stroke

Similarity between MJ and a Playstation 2 ?
Both used to be black and were turned on by excited small boys....

MJ died of food poisoning, it was the 13 year old nuts

MJ is being cremated.....he is being melted down and made into plastic toys,
its the first time kids can actually play with him for a change.

I bet the last time he was this stiff was when Macauly Culkin stayed over...

LAPD have confirmed they have found Class A drugs in the kitchen,
Class B drugs in the lounge and Class 3C in the bedroom…

Now they're saying he died from Food Poisoning.
He ate a 9 year old ... weiner.

I really miss Duba.
Just listen to him crack the jokes.
You can't write this kind of material.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket booking Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?'

The old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.'

'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals in the theater.'

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

'Marge,' whispered Mildred.

'What?' said Marge.

'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.'

'What makes you think so?' asked Marge.

'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred.

'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all'.

'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my popcorn.'

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.                                                              
                                                                           
Here is the exchange :                                                    
                                                                           
Family Member:   'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'      
                                                                           
Citibank:  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'                                                              
                                                                           
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'            
                                                                           
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'          
                                                                           
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'      
                                                                           
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'                                            
                                                                           
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'                      
                                                                           
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'                                                    
                                                                           
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'                                                          
                                                                           
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'                    
                                                                           
Supervisor gets on the phone:                                              
                                                                           
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'                                                               
                                                                           
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'                                                                    
                                                                           
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'            
                                                                           
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'                                  
                                                                           
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)        
                                                                           
Citibank:  'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'                      
                                                                           
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )                             
                                                                           
After they get the fax :                                                  
                                                                           
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'                                                          
                                                                           
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'                                        
                                                                           
Citibank:  'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'            
                                                                           
(What is wrong with these people?!?)                                      
                                                                           
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'                  
                                                                           
Citibank: 'That might help...'                                            
                                                                           
Family Member:  ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
                                                                           
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'                                        
                                                                           
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

A man popped into a bar and ordered a beer, planning to use the washroom when his order arrived. It seemed to take forever for the watress to return with his order, and by the time she did he had to go pee right away. To make sure that nobody took his beer while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THIS BEER".

When he returned, he found someone had written another message on the napkin: "ME, TOO".

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

Microwave isn't working and you really want some popcorn. What do you do? Click on the link to see how to pop popcorn using a common item you probably having in your pocket or purse... http://www.koreus.com/video/telephone-portable-mais-popcorn.html

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"

"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.
 
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.

"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.

"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"Six feet!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilariously comical snake for me to talk to, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize with you, or even listen to you. All in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting, hunting fleet-footed animals, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' the woman replied. 

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. 

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight., you don't have any milk.' 

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.